


The Familiar Stealer

by FoggyJam



Series: The Familiar Stealer [1]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Familiars, Irony, Jason Mantzoukas, Multi, Vampires, mockentary, vampire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:00:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26715649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoggyJam/pseuds/FoggyJam
Summary: Nandor is surprised when a familiar face from his past decides to show up at the house. Little does Nandor know that this familiar presence is here to wreck havoc on Nandor's current life with Guillermo.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Series: The Familiar Stealer [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944241
Comments: 15
Kudos: 36





	The Familiar Stealer

**Author's Note:**

> First things first. This fic is based on the Idea that the role of Rahim/Jason will be played by Jason Mantzoukas. If you're unfamiliar with him or his work as an actor, I highly suggest you look him up. I promise this fic will be a lot more fun to read if you do. 
> 
> Secondly, the name Rahim, traditionally means "To be kind or Show mercy" This is to play into the Character of Rahim/Jason and also to play opposite of Nandor as he is "The Relentless" 
> 
> If all goes well, I will be making this a 5 part mini series to fully flesh out the idea of an entire episode. 
> 
> I want to thank @TeamThor for hashing out this idea with me and for beta reading!!! 
> 
> Thanks and happy reading!

[Vampire Residence 12:10am]

[Camera 2 opens in the Library. Nadja shines her skull as Laszlo reads next to her.] 

Nadja: You know, the secret to a good skull polishing is to never press too hard, otherwise, it will crack.

[Nadja is stopped as the sound of metal hitting metal is heard, followed by an even louder clash]

Nadja: What is that?

[Cut to Camera 1. A cloud of dust is seen billowing from an open door. The camera heads down the hallway and turns into Nandor’s room. Guillermo’s back faces the camera while Nandor stands next to his coffin, covered in dust.]

Nandor: I told you not to pick it up!

Guillermo: Sorry Master, I- I thought, it didn’t look that heavy!

Nandor: Well it was heavy wasn’t it? And now I am covered in dust! Are you happy?

[Guillermo mumbles to himself] 

Guillermo: Maybe you should clean your own room.

Nandor: What was that!? 

Guillermo: I said I’ll go get a broom.

Nandor: That’s better.

[Cut to camera 2]

Nadja: Well, the lovebirds are fighting again.

Laszlo: We used to fight after our love making, my sweet. Do you remember? 

Nadja: Well, yes of course I remember but, Laszlo… They are not sleeping together!

Laszlo: They’re not? Could have fooled me.

[Nadja shakes her head in disagreement, while pursing her lips.]

[Cut to Camera 1]

[Guillermo begins whispering while on his way to find a broom.] 

Guillermo: “Spring cleaning!” Seriously? Like, I don’t have better things to do with my night…

[Guillermo is interrupted by the loud horn of the door bell. We hear Nandor in the distance.]

Nandor: Guillermo! Can you go get the door?

[Guillermo gives the camera a fed up look and turns around, back the way he came. The camera gives a quick glance past the library, trying to keep up.]

[Nadja and Laszlo can barely be heard]

Nadja: Gizmo, will you get the door? I swear that boy does nothing.

Laszlo: I thought we kept him for Nandor’s sake. 

[Guillermo rolled his eyes and opened the door.] 

Rahim: Hey, little guy! Is Nandor here? I heard he lives here.

[Guillermo gives the guy a once over. He had wild curly hair and a full beard. He was wearing a slightly oversized white, tie up poet's shirt, sleeves rolled up with loads of bracelets, the ones that look like you never take off. followed by a pair of tight, black Adidas joggers and to top it all off, Birkenstocks with socks.]

[In walks Nandor from his room, still covered in dust.]

Nandor: Guillermo, who is it?

[He turns towards the door, only to be met with disappointment and surprise.]

Nandor: Oh… Rahim…

Nandor and Guillermo’s voices overlap.

Guillermo: Please,come on in.  
Nandor: Oh,nooo,you don’t have to-Alright. 

Nandor: So…Rahim… So, cool to see you. How did you know I live here?

Rahim: Uh, don’t worry about it. Who’s this guy?

[Rahim points.]

Nandor: This is Guillermo. My familiar.

[Guillermo gives a small smile as he stands next to his master.]

Rahim: It’s good to meet you Guillermo!

[He holds out his hand, looking for a handshake, which Guillermo reciprocates.]

Rahim: I’m Jason.

[Nandor looks at the camera and mouths “Jason?”]

Guillermo: How do you know my master?

Jason: You mean, he doesn’t talk about me!? 

[He looks at Nandor quickly.]

Jason: I’m only kidding Nandor! 

[He hits him on the arm and Nandor gives the camera an uncomfortable but angry look.]

Nandor: Rahi—

[Rahim interrupts, whispering.“It’s Jason.”]

Nandor: Yes, Jason… Was my horse groomer. 

Jason: Well, I didn’t just groom your horses, I took care of all your animals. You did have a lot of horses though… Hey, do you remember Jahan?

Nandor: Yes, that’s nice, well it was good for you to stop by. Great to seeing you…

[He grabs Jason’s arm, almost trying to push him out the door, while giving Guillermo a glance of needing help.] 

Guillermo: You know what, yeah, I’m sorry Jason but I just remembered we have a lot of plans tonight and I was just about to fix the wifi, so, you should- you should go.

Jason: Oh, wifi? Is your Wi-Fi broken? Cuz, I can help with that, you know. I was a techie in the late 90’s. I know all about that shit.

Guillermo: Wow, really? Because it is always going out. I can’t get it to just stay on and I also can’t have a tech come out, because… Well, just because….

Jason: I can totally help you out bro! Where’s your router set up?

[Nandor looks at the camera in confusion as Guillermo and Jason walk off to the library, where the router is.]

[Cut to Camera 1, Nandor lounges on his bedroom divan while delivering a talking head]

Nandor: Jason, is from my past. He worked for me in my castle. He mostly tended to my animals… While I was being relentless, he was busy being helpful. He was always happy and unworried. Everyone in Al Qalandar loved him. My servants, the women in my harem, my parents servants… Even my horse, John… *whispers* Sometimes, I think he enjoyed Jason’s company more than mine… I hate that fucking guy!

[Cut to Camera 2 Panning into the library, following ahead of Jason.]

Laszlo: Who the fuck is that guy?

[Nadja looks up to see Jason walk in with Guillermo.]

Nadja: I’d like to give him something to eat.

Laszlo: You may have to put those thoughts away my dear… I think he’s here for Nandor. A past lover? 

[He raises one eyebrow as he smokes his pipe, blowing the smoke right into Nadja’s face.]

Nadja: Put that fucking thing out, Laszlo!

[Guillermo and Jason stand in front of Nadja and Laszlo]

Guillermo: Guys this is Jason, he used to work for Nandor.

Laszlo: Oh, ho… One from his Harem, that is cheeky.

Jason: What? No, I think… Um, I’m just here to help with your router.

Laszlo: My what? What the Hell did you just say!?

[Guillermo lightly pushes Jason away from Laszlo]

Guillermo: Let’s go over to this side of the library. Where the router is. 

[We hear a distant Laszlo, “That’s right, you walk over that way!”]

Guillermo: The router is under here.

[ He proceeds to crawl under a desk. Jason leans up against it and sees the router, sitting there. He picks it up and presses a small button.]

Guillermo: I’m not sure. It used to be down here. I can’t find it. 

[He begins to back out from under the desk, hitting his head. He stands up and notices that Jason is holding the router.]

Guillermo: Oh, you have it.

Jason: Oh, sorry buddy! I should have told you. I pressed the reset button though, Only time will tell right?

[The room sits in an awkward silence. Jason is still leaning on the desk while Guillermo stands across from him. They both begin at the same time, overlapping one another.]

Jason: So, Nandor—  
Guillermo: How, do you know—

Jason: Sorry!

Guillermo: No, I’m sorry!

They both laugh it off.

Jason: No,really. You go.

Guillermo: Oh, I was just going to ask, how did you know Nandor again?

[Guillermo stares at him, waiting for more of an explanation.]

Jason: OH, Yeah, you’re wanting an actual— Right, well, I took care of his animals, and…(He looks away, as if reliving a past memory, his eyes growing with hate.) His sheep, his boars, the hive of bees that always stung me…My. Jahan…

[Guillermo, starting to feel uncomfortable, decides it might be best to leave.]

Guillermo:Right. Well, thanks for resetting our router. I should probably go finish my chores.

Jason: Hey,wait! Let’s exchange numbers. That way, you know, we can both sort of keep tabs on Nandor, in case he gets into trouble. I can be like your Vampire look out guy. I’ve got a whole network of vamp friends that help familiars.

Guillermo: Really? Well, thats. That’s actually really, cool. Okay. 

[Guillermo reaches into his pocket for his phone. He holds it for a mere second before Jason snatches it.]

Jason: Great, I’ll put my number in here and just text myself from your phone. Alright,I’ve got your number! 

[He hands Guillermo back his phone. He gives Jason a smile of confirmation and heads back towards Nandor, who is in the main hallway] 

Nandor: Well, Jason… It was a pleasant surprise of you to show up unannounced… Please, do not do it again.

Jason: Aw, it was good to see you to buddy! 

[He opens his arms wide and wraps them around Nandor. Nandor slowly reciprocates the hug. Just as Nandor is about to pull away, Jason pulls in harder. He whispers in Nandor’s ear.] 

Jason: I’m going to steal your familiar.

Nandor: What? 

[He backs away from Jason.]

Jason: Yeah, well, It’s been really good seeing you again! 

[He grabs Nandor’s hand and pulls him in again this time a little more tight, looking square into his eyes, Jason growls, through clenched teeth.]

Jason: I’m going.To steal.Your familiar.

[He lets go of Nandor quickly and his tone changes as Guillermo walks in.]

Jason: Well,alright, I’m out! 

[Looking towards the library he waves]

Jason: Bye guys!

Nadja: Yes, yes. Just leave already!

Laszlo: I myself, am enjoying the love triangle.

[Jason points a finger gun at Guillermo] 

Jason: Guillermo! You have my number, hit me up, okay? Promise? You promise!? 

[Guillermo points back towards Jason, shaking his finger at him.]

Guillermo: Okay, I promise. He gives Jason an encouraged, “yeah, right” look. 

[Jason gives Nandor a very stern face as the door slams shut. Camera 2 catches Guillermo as Nandor stands in astonishment]

Guillermo: You know, he’s actually a pretty cool guy.

[Guillermo pulls out his phone and walks off towards his room. The camera sets back to Nandor, zooming in on his very worried face.]

Nandor: Oh, Shit…

End scene 1.


End file.
